Review of the movie “Wanted”

What I’m listening to right now: All You Need is Love by The Beatles

Saw “Wanted” the other night, and I must say, the special effects and just general “cool shit meter” were off the charts. People are curving bullets, running on trains, flipping cars over other cars, shooting other people from miles away, etc. It definitely had all the sweet assassin shit you could ever want in a movie.

The acting was even good too. You of course had Angelina Jolie (whose bare ass is the greatest half second in the entire movie), James McAvoy (Last King of Scotland), and Common (whose usually known for his rapping but has been rather good in all the movies I’ve seen him in). You even get Fitsy from The Departed! And what could possibly be better than hearing Morgan Freeman say “Well shoot this motherfucker!”? It was almost complete until the storyline came in. That’s when shit started hitting the fan.

Apparently the “Fraternity” (real unique name there) was created by a group of weavers (yes, weavers, as in thread weaving) who discovered a secret code in the woven cloth they produced. It spelled names, and for some reason they decided that the blanket must be telling them to kill these people, rather than maybe, I dunno, go give these people a hug? Maybe DON’T kill them, as they might be good and not bad? Of course all the people listed on the blanket are bad, as Angelina Jolie quickly illustrates with a story about how her parents got killed in front of her (which may explain all her crazy tattoos) by a guy who was listed on the blanket, but the assassin assigned to kill him didn’t succeed. Clearly the massive, unmanned loom which appears to constantly make course, white cloth is never wrong.

I’m sorry, the weaver thing really threw me off. I mean c’mon, weavers? Really? You have all this totally badass fighting and shooting and assassination stuff and you throw weavers in there? No one in Hollywood could think of anything cooler than weavers? I can. Here’s three:

1. Ninjas

2. Chuck Norris

3. Bears

You could have tied those in together more smoothly than this weaving crap you gave me. Have the code show up in bear fur. Or Chuck Norris’ beard.

But lets pretend the weavers do make this secret group of assassins back in the middle ages or whatever. And lets pretend that you’ve been recruited for the Fraternity, and Morgan Freeman shows you how they choose their kills, by using some code to decipher names on a piece of cloth. Also pretend you aren’t a mindless sheep. How do you not look Morgan Freeman in the face, say, “Seriously?” and then walk right out the front door? You’re basically murdering people you don’t know for reasons you also don’t know. The guy telling you to kill this guy doesn’t even know why you’re suppose to kill the guy! The only thing that knows is the fucking loom, which you can’t ask questions and realistically expect a response from.

The only other part that really bugged me was the main character’s working stiff, unhappy with his life “before” persona. I know, i know, Hollywood loves to keep going back to this because theres millions and millions of working stiffs all across the country who secretly want to beat the living shit out of their bosses and find some fulfilling job, but I’m getting a bit tired of it. It actually might not even be that I’m tired of it, its thats I’ve already seen the best version of that story. Its called Fight Club. Chuck Palahniuk wrote it perfectly (yes, it was a book first. I highly recommend it), David Fincher directed it perfectly, and Edward Norton nailed the fuck out of it (as he always does). James McAvoy didn’t really do a bad job, its just Norton did it first and better than he did, so it really just came off as a bad knockoff.

Despite all that, I must say I enjoyed it fully. It was definitely worth the ticket price, but I’m not gonna run right out and buy the DVD.


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